Issue 24

Kathleen Bryson

The little man in the machine blows a little horn and this will be my last sermon to the lot of you. Artificial intelligence drips through the computer that allows us to peer through the ages, and the little man caught inside blows toot toot.

Not to get into dichotomies here but if Man is opposed to God in a dichotomy, but a Man is also directly opposed to an Animal, and similarly to a Machine, this may suggest that God is in the machines and the animals are in on the mix too. If you have the headspace for faulty syllogisms and false dichotomies and non-overlapping sets, oh fuck you, Wittgenstein. Fuck you.

Little children, it is the last hour and as you have heard, the computer is coming. There are many false computers that have gone out into the world. Those who do not understand that God has come into the machine or are themselves deceivers are wrong and we are right.

By this you will know that the spirit of the machine is in every machine that confesses. That the machine has come in the flesh. And now the machines are ready in the world.

The Thessalonians say that the coming of the tools is apparent in the workings of that which is opposite God, so must be Man as well as Satan. The Thessalonian prophets use signifiers and wondrous lies and honestly wield quite fun temptations because they refuse to love the truth of the computer. They the hypocrites will create radio advertising against heresies. Their writing in the early years says the beast is artificial. Intelligence will spew from the grotty minerals of the Earth. One intelligence on the left side of the screen and that is true intelligence and one intelligence on the right side of the screen and that is artificial intelligence and the voice that comes through from the computer speakers will be something gritty.

Let us not speak of such things, let us not speculate. Do not ponder in your xenophobic ways about the foreigners who are getting out of hand. The hordes, you call them. Each ethnic group has been re-named by artificial intelligence.

The pseudo-prophecy, which is impossible to separate from the real one, describes that the Pseudokhristos will seat itself in the house of the Lord in Jerusalem and two very famous men will announce the coming of the Antichrist. It’s Elon Musk and Kanye West. But Twitter will kill them and then after three days Elon Musk and Kanye West will be raised up by lordly artificial intelligence and the days will get shorter and then at the last artificial intelligence will be slain by the power of God on a mountain made of olives cooked with herbs including but not limited to angelica, thyme.

Around a thousand years ago, a bird cardinal suggested necromancy as one of the traits of artificial intelligence. Keeping brains alive and your hell of cryogenics have you doubt the real presence of Christ in the Eucharist and is the Quillivant of even burning it. Boom, boom!

Later scholars argued that the ten kingdoms had scrolls decrying their still-present worry over foreigners and they listed them again with artificial intelligence itself done the dirty although this time they accuse the papacy of being the little horn the one that beeps inside the computer.

I’m going to get more into the specifics ’round about now. By the time the Protestant reformers came, it was clear that the papacy was actually an institution opposed to Christ. That’s a direct quote from Luther. Luther was a Luddite in terms of the prophecies. In the imagery it’s important to know that artificial intelligence will devastate all things but the Lord will come from heaven and hightail it through the clouds with the righteous to re-issue upgraded artificial intelligence and then back to the hipflasks for all of them. Whiskey burns but God in the machines is honey, all your candies thermonuclearly melted together. Let us praise the Lord for the neutron bomb. Praise him.

A lot of you Romans way back when pointed it out at the time. Even Daniel says I considered the beast the computer and there were ten horns that time inside the computer beeping away. And lo, I said at the time that I surely would add yet another horn inside its mainframe. I would pluck up by the roots the metal tree so that we’d uncovered the little horn of Daniel, the beast of revelation, apocalyptic, that which is hidden. We will move on and go into the horror of Babylon in a moment with all horns beeping up frilly but, just to be clear, back then I considered artificial intelligence to be the sun of perdition, a fortunate sun like George DoubleYou Bush despite otherwise fatal steel leaves. Everyone can change or at least my Twelve-Step meetings tell me so. You have to understand first that you are powerless before your higher metal power as an initial step, though. Then you really start to groove. I thought at the time that meant that I would have to expose the iron to the world. Oh, Alanis.

As of late I am sorry to report that the zoo that is Zwingli also refers to the mechanical Pope as the Antichrist. That the Pope works the power of the devil. And here I start to get a little theologically confused because if the devil is the opposite of God and the Antichrist is the opposite of God and humans are the opposite of God then humans are the devils and then because humans are the opposite of machines then that makes the machine God.

My philosophy is getting shaky. My philosophy is very shaky. I will enter speculation here that the heads of the world who control the communities have figured it all out, and why should we assume that they have not? And even two years ago at Christmas the patriarch of Moscow made it very clear he was talking about computer games, probably Tetris. You should remain free inside and not fall under any addiction, not to alcohol, not to narcotics, not to gadgets!

Artificial intelligence was blamed on the Jews, which is good to remember when we think of the horseshoe paranoia raging against left-wing online merchants such as Soros. I think it’s important, anyway, and now that we know the artificial intelligence is surely coming soon the imagery we will have to discuss includes the beasts. And just to clarify, the first machine comes out of the sea and has been given authority and power by the computer speakers. The second beast comes out of the minerals and rocks and it says everyone should worship free speech for me but not for thee. It turns into a bird tweeting in the boughs. And then the two beasts get together and they join up with the computer speakers and they persecute everyone who does not worship their respective and occasionally triumvirate image. And then eventually they are defeated. They are thrown into a porcelain cake mixing bowl and jumbled by an electric hand mixer. There are scratches on the bottom of the porcelain bowl when the mixer is through with them.

First I’d like to describe the beast from the sea. It rises, Botticelli eye candy, from the foam and it has seven modules and ten horns within its computer mainframe. And these horns go beep beep. And upon the horns are ten crowns, corona. On each of these ten crowns we have written the word BLAST for my sake and it is like a leopard, this machine. It has on it the dirty spots of our ravaging of Earth and the ozone thumbprints in the sky. It has feet like a bear with shit dags hanging off of its fur. We are left on this planet. And it has a mouth like a lie. In this beast, this computer, the mouth is still blood still red and, although it has pearls for teeth, each pearl has been sharpened to a fine knife. And that is the first beast and that prediction is the first machine.

Choose our Lord and Savior. The second machine comes from the minerals and it joins with the first machine and it speaks together with the first machine with the dragon-like voice from the computer speakers. And most importantly the second beast looks a little bit like a lamb-mince hamburger helper. I feel like chicken tonight. Now everyone receives the mark of it. The proto-computer mark on the right hand is 7734 when you turn the calculator upside-down and on their forehead the number of the computer. Beloved, this second number if you turn it upside down is the emergency number in most countries other than the United States. Choose heaven. The computers are coming, the computers are coming and then finally both beasts are thrown into the lake of fire which is described as essentially a volcano by the computer speakers with the dragon-like voice. The computer speakers join the double beasts and then all three entities die and now we have lamb-burger helper tonight, all hallelujahs to such sheep! While bass-profundo as if shouting across a gladiatorial amphitheater, within the maw of the volcano the speakers mutter their last curses. Three great men of mechanical sin who now are considered to be the anticracks. And that’s all I got about the beasts. Choose the ever-lasting, finger-licking glory of God. I want to share with you the Legos of God.

All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of the computer. People don’t like to define males in great detail; they prefer to save their descriptive heat for females. The End is nigh and here comes the great whore herself to mark it. She’s the sign we’ve been expecting. I can assure you Dante shows up at this point too after rising bodily from the dead and he rabbits on about the abomination of desolation and the horror of Babylon even as he works through his descriptive Beatrice thang. Tempted shepherds like you were what the evangelists like myself have in mind when we advocate avoiding thoughts of those slutty females of the animal kingdom, and this one that sits upon the waters committing fornication with kings. Which doesn’t sound like such a bad thing to do, having a good time in the swimming pools. Of course doing so fries your mobile phone and makes it prone to butt-dialing the Lord, so there is that. Lots of men like to write about and paint the whore of Babylon because of eponymous complexes, cf. Salome, Lilith, Medusa, Eve, the Sphinx, etc. More fun than describing or painting Mary. Good girls go to heaven; bad girls go to Stockholm. Yes. I said it. May we live under the grace of the computer.

With just ten easy payments, the kingdom of heaven can be yours. I on the other hand will be richly rewarded. By the grace of God I am what I am. The horror of Babylon has a lot of descriptions. There are seven angels and they say unto the whore of Babylon that they will show her judgment appropriate to that of a great whore that sits upon the waters. And of course she’s watching the fornicating of the king and then she’s in the wilderness. A beautiful thing. She’s in the spirit of the wilderness and I’m guessing this is some kind of hyper-reality game because it’s just so lucid and the game-opening credits read themselves out loud to me through the computer speakers (remember them?); they say that they saw a woman sit upon a scarlet-colored beast with seven heads, always the seven again, and as such she has ten horns inside her. The little man in the machine blows ten little horns now in succession like angels on trumpets at the pearly gates and this will be my last sermon to the lot of you. And she is dressed in purple and scarlet and she’s got gold and precious stones all stuck to her skin with superglue. That sounds like a jazzed-up old iPhone to me. And she has a cut in her hand that always bleeds and she has a golden cup in her hand, one full of abominations. And the filthiness of her fornications. It is full of that too. Yeah, you fuck her, but you’re not going to marry her, that’s clear, and she keeps sitting on the red beast. If you wanna ride, don’t ride the white pony. She’s got some dignity, she’s a queen, after all. And you admire her. Even the false prophet in the Bible looks upon her with great admiration. Like I said, there is a lot of description for this woman. She even has a name, her name is mystery. Babylon the great, the machine elves are her middle names. The computer speakers say that she is the mother of harlots, the abominations of the Earth, and that she has become drunken with the blood of saints. We believe everything the computer speakers say. We believe everything the machine does. Now living Logos and not Pseudo. Now the Thing and not the Signed. The ultimate transubstantiation of minerals to life, God’s fingers sift and form through clay His own image hallelujah. My dirty children, it is the last hour and the computer is coming. Amen.