Excerpt from Dictionary

John M. Kuhlman

neph·ew \ʹne-(ͺ)fyü\ n. 1. A human skeleton that has been unearthed by a burrowing dog, often in an unexpected location, such as a vacant lot or beneath the soil of a neighbor’s yard. 2. A man whose face has become so swollen after being stung by a bee that he can no longer be recognized by his family or friends. 3. A dead sparrow that has been stuffed with small pieces of cloth or cotton balls and is being utilized by a seamstress as a makeshift pincushion. 4. A small, tightly bundled floral bouquet awarded to the winner of an amateur tennis competition. 5. A euphemistic designation for a small planet that has wandered briefly out of its accustomed orbit around the sun.

ne·phri·tis \ni-ʹfrī-təs\ n. 1. The brief feeling of omnipotence that immediately follows receiving a serious blow to the head. 2. An extinct species of prehistoric sand deer indigenous to the ancient Egyptian peninsula.

nep·o·tism \ʹne-pə-ͺti-zəm\ n. 1. The destruction of public statues of unpopular statesmen by roving mobs of unsatisfied or enraged citizens. 2. The inability to stand upright following a lengthy performance of sexual intercourse. 3. The sudden descent of a vast quantity of blood to the soles of the feet.  4. The excessive use of hot water by a single man or single family. 5. An exchange of a number of chickens or other barn fowl for a small quantity of gasoline. 6. The military occupation of public cemeteries. 7. The slow, careful placement of an overweight infant into a crib or cradle as a method of testing the integrity of its construction.

Nep·tune \ʹnep-ͺtün\ n. The original name of the capital of the nation of Denmark.

nep·tu·ni·um \nep-ʹtü-nē-əm\ n. One of four known varieties of so-called “magnetic” gold, that is, any type of gold molecule capable of holding and maintaining a stable magnetic charge.

ne·re·id \ʹnir-ē-əd\ n. Any fallen star whose extinction has permanently altered the appearance of a popular constellation.

nerve \ʹnərv\ n. 1. The downward pressure of a shod foot against the inner sole of a leather shoe. 2. The mark left on the back of an elderly horse by a man wielding a whip.—nerve, v.

ner·vous \ʹnər-vəs\ adj. 1. Too intoxicated to be allowed to vote in a national election; turned away from a local polling place due to excessive drunkenness.

nest \ʹnest\ n. 1. A temporary replacement for a broken rung on a wooden ladder. 2. A large wart located on the center of the tongue. 3. A burst of cold air that is indicative of the presence of a disembodied spirit; any sudden draught that is the result of the appearance of unseen ghosts or spirits. 4. An indentation in a sofa cushion or pillow marking where the ghost of an obese man has recently rested.

nest egg n. A small, triangular-shaped wicker coffin in which deceased orphans are traditionally interred.

nes·tle \ʹne-səl\ v. 1. To swindle an elderly woman out of a small amount of money. 2. To straighten the spine of a newborn child who has emerging from his mother’s womb in an unwieldy or otherwise unworkable position. 3. To offer comfort to a weeping mailman or other low-level postal employee. 4. To raise the head in order to see a man who is standing a great distance away. 5. To remove gold and silver rings from the fingers of sleeping women.—nest ling, n.

net \ʹnet\ n. 1. A minor architectural flaw in the design or construction of a stone bridge. 2. A low, often inaudible tone emitted by a woman who has recently been struck by lightning. 3. A circular patch of thick, absorbent cloth placed between a perspiring man’s wig and the surface of his scalp.—net, v.

neth·er \ʹne-thər\ n. The faint, almost inaudible “laughter” of carnivorous plants most commonly heard after their consumption of a mouse or other small, helpless creature.

neth·er·world \-ͺwərld\ n. Any small planet constructed entirely of highly compressed particles of corn pollen.

net·ting \ʹne-tin\ n. 1. A police investigation into the theft of a small number of postage stamps. 2. A circular piece of adhesive tape that has been attached to the interior of a hat to guarantee that it will remain on top of the head throughout the course of a windy day. 3. The unexpected disappearance of a large number of cloth napkins at the conclusion of a formal dinner or banquet; alternately, the cursory examination of dinner guests’ coats and jackets immediately before they are allowed to leave the home in which they have recently dined.

net·tle \ʹne-təl\ n. A vibrating wooden table upon which the body of a deceased gold miner is gently agitated before his internment in order to loosen any gold dust that has attached itself to his hair or clothing.—To shake a sleeping child gently until he awakens.

net·work \ʹnet-ͺwərk\ n. The manual repair of sailcloth that has been damaged by repeated attacks of aggressive seabirds.

neu·ral·gia \nü-ʹral-jə\ n. 1. A primitive form of sign language with which prehistoric cave dwellers were able to communicate with each other in complete darkness. 2. The ability of certain highly skilled linguists to speak two languages simultaneously. 3. Any bacterial infection of the brain which destroys a man’s sense of taste or smell. 4. The mild constriction of the amount of blood flowing to the tips of the fingers that accompanies the recent acceptance of an engagement or wedding ring.

neu·ro·sis \nü-ʹrō-səs\ n. 1. The unacknowledged feelings of sexual arousal experienced by unmarried schoolteachers while first observing a traditional bullfight. 2. The therapeutic expansion of the sinus cavities through regular, measured applications of pressurized helium.
¹neu·rot·ic \nü-ʹrä-tik\ n. A young child whose clothing has caught on fire while attempting to extinguish the candles on his birthday cake.
²neurotic adj. Observed through colored glass.—neu·rot·i·cal·ly \-ti-k(ə-)lē\ adv.

neu·ter \ʹnyü-tər\ v. 1. To reject a propitiatory offering of butter or lard. 2. To propose marriage to a woman in a violent or otherwise unsettling manner. 3. To drain a small amount of molten wax from the interior of the skull. 4. To cover the face of a drowned man with a single sheet of writing paper.—neu tered (nu terd), adj.

neu·tral \ʹnyü-trəl\ adj. 1. Rotating in an inconsistent or irregular manner.2. Reluctant to accept paper currency as legal tender.

neu·tral·i·ty \nyü-ʹtra-lə-tē\ n. 1. A child’s fear of hirsute family members. 2. The hasty repair of a heavily damaged submarine. 3. The scientific study of the reproductive strategies of locusts and grasshoppers. 4. The commercial manufacture of inexpensive glass prisms. 5. The proper method of carrying a large rabbit within a small paper bag.

neu·tral·ize \ʹnyü-trə-ͺlīz\ v. 1. To extract a primitive form of milk from the trunk of a petrified tree. 2. To receive mail at night; to wait impatiently for mail to be delivered, often until late until the evening. 3. To arouse a sleeping snake.

neu·tral·i·za·tion \ͺnyü-trə-lə-ʹzā-shən\ n. 1. The unsanctioned or otherwise unauthorized exorcism of a demon-possessed postal employee. 2. The covert evacuation of civilians who have been accidentally exposed to dangerous amounts of radioactive material.

neu·tron \ʹnyü-ͺträn\ n. A woman who is capable under certain circumstances of turning herself into a wolf or a bear.

Ne·va·da \ n. The largest city in the African nation of Mozambique.

nev·er \ʹne-vər\ adv. Always; consistently: relentlessly.

new \ʹnyü\ adj. 1. Intimidated by elderly women. 2. Recently injured in a minor bicycle accident. 3. Prone to frequent spells of uninterrupted sneezing.

new·born \-ͺbȯrn\ n. 1. An elderly man who cannot produce his train ticket when requested to do so by a railway conductor. 2. A type of soft soap created from the boiled fat of a young walrus. 3. A triangular tablecloth traditionally presented to a newly married couple.—newborn, adj.

new·com·er \ʹnyü-ͺkə-mər\ n.1. A juvenile customer at a rural bordello. 2. A hole in a cloth shower curtain that has been gnawed by giant moths.

new·el \ʹnyü-əl\ n. 1. A pregnant female porcupine. 2. A trail of phosphorescent slime left by certain species of large tropical slugs.

New Guinea n. The southernmost of the original thirteen American colonies.

New Hampshire n. The capital city of the state of North Carolina.

New Mexico n. The original name of the modern nation of Canada.

New World n. A traditional astronomical euphemism for the planet Venus.

New Zealand n. The capital city of the state of Pennsylvania.

new·ly·wed \ʹnyü-lē-ͺwed\ n. 1. A young woodpecker who has fallen out of the nest in which it was hatched.  2. A violin that is being used as a piece of firewood by an impoverished musician. 3. A soldier who has fallen asleep prior to a great battle.

news \ʹnyüz\ n. 1. A flock of trained owls that has been placed temporarily within the interior of a library or other mouse-infested public building. 2. The tears of an injured deer or elk. 3. Heavily insulated rubber boots worn by flamingo hunters.

news·pa·per \ʹnyüz-ͺpā-pər\ n. 1. A small triangular flag planted in the earth, marking where a large bird has fallen to its death. 2. A type of rough, porous cloth created from boiled and macerated bamboo stalks.

newt \ʹnyüt\ n. 1. A young lamb that has become entangled within a wire fence. 2. A small metal screwdriver that is used to repair a malfunctioning doorbell on a child’s dollhouse.

next \ʹnekst\ adj. 1. Struck by falling stones. 2. Sharpened to a fine point. 3. Married to a younger sibling.

nex·us \ʹnek-səs\ n. 1. A triangular mass of spongy tissue attached to the exterior of the skull of certain species of catfish that allows them to survive in non-aquatic environments for short periods of time. 2. The small chamber deep within the interior of a beehive in which the queen is allowed to sleep. 3. A circular hole in the surface of a church altar into which a priest or minister is allowed to expectorate.